An Interview with Michael “Big Mike” Bear

by The Bear Truth Staff Columnist Francine Tucker

The renown Michael “Big Mike” Bear is old by any standard, but his exploits are well known throughout the Bear World as well as outside of it. He has been called both a degenerate and a prophet, a pariah and a demigod. The Bear Truth has set out to explore this living legend.

The Bear Truth - According to our sources, you are 27 years old, which is equivalent to 135 bear-years. How do you feel about getting on in years?

Big Mike - You’re only as old as you feel, and looking at your cleavage, I’m feeling younger every minute. C’mon over here, baby.

BT - Please, I’ve got an interview to do here. So let me ask you another question. You look like the stuffing has been knocked out of you. How do you manage these days?

Big Mike - You can’t judge a book by its cover. If I told you what really went on when people weren’t home or when they were asleep, it would knock your socks off, as well as anything else you were wearing. Speaking of this, wouldn’t you like to slip on something more comfortable? You’re making me real horny.

BT - Uh, Sir, tell our readers what really goes on. By the way, can I call you Mr. Big?

Big Mike - You don’t know what “big” is. Come over here and let me show you.

BT - I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. And look at you – the way you’re all bent over and such, you can get your whole paw in your mouth.

Big Mike - The better to eat you with, my dear. Or is that another story?

BT - Anyway, please tell us, what goes on?

Big Mike - Well, the others – the bears, the monkeys, the dogs, even the live animals (though they have a repulsive smell) – get involved in these wild orgies. We call it Interspecies Undifferentiated Interaction, or IUI for short. We learned it from the master, Moe, who is now into grope therapy.

BT - You mean … no you can’t mean ... that they’re all doing it to each other? And all at the same time?

Big Mike - Not only that, but I watch when I can’t perform, although that’s rare, looking at you. I even videotape it. Wanna watch one?

BT - Well, yes, but just as background research.

Two hours later, out of breath and sated beyond my wildest desires, I concluded my interview with Big Big, Big Mike with a long wet kiss and a promise to be back soon. And an observation and a forewarning to all my readers out there …

Don’t knock it unless you’ve tried it.

Grrrrr …

– Note: We have, residing in our home, many stuffed animals representing a host of species and exhibiting the gamut of behavioral idiosyncracies and desires. Bears, cats, monkeys and other primates, dogs, a hedgehog, a turtle, a frog, and a crow inhabit our space. After reading this interview, we can only guess what they are up to when we are not around to bear witness.

– This story, originally written in 1991, was found on a 1.44 mb floppy disk backup. It is the earliest story I could find in digital form.

Orig / October 29, 1991 .. Rev 2 / May 15, 2020

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May 15, 2020 … Copyright © 2020, Lloyd B. Abrams